How to fight christmas panic!

1. Listen to christmas carols sung by the choir.

Real ones- not those remixed with bubblegum pop they like to play at tiangges. It should remind you of the times yore when you weren’t qualified to be ninong  yet to bratty godchildren.

2. Learn to cook up a noche buena feast.

Since you know your giving away crappy gifts anyway, why not prepare somethings that not served straight out of the refrigerator?

3. When christmas is in danger of getting cancelled because you just don’t feel it,  get a sugar high.

Stuff yourself silly with chocolate and before you know it, you’ll be skipping around the christmas tree with a happy tremble.

4. Believe in santa- even though the paunchy, ruddy man hasn’t really paid you a visit ever.

Look, this is the time when lying sure works, especially for your nieces and nephews who are hardcore Santa believers. Don’t poop on their party.

5. Relax. It’s a holiday, for heaven ’s sake. Put work on hold. Volunteer to take the family pictures and prepare to clutter your living room with them.

ADOPTED: UNKNOWN AUTHOR

BURGLAR?? Really?

One night, with ineng’s parents out of the houses, her boyfriend, who lived just a few houses away, called and they ended  up having phone sex. Later, tuto whispered over the phone that it would be real hot if he would just scoot over and finish off . When they’re done, ineng told tuto that she’d accompany him out, but he said he’d manage. After a few minutes, their maid stormed in ineng’s room, witha knife in her hand. She asked if ineng was okey because she saw someone climbing their bakod. The maid called ineng’s mom to give an account of the incident. Ineng’s mom reported it to the village president who then sent policeman to look for the “magnanakaw .”  good thing ineng’s boyfriend was able to dash back to his house before the police started with their search.

ADOPTED: UNKNOWN AUTHOR

Sizzling Island

Pedro is stranded on an island. He has been shipwrecked for three months and has manage to survive , but with no human contact at all. One day , he finishes a little canoe he has been working on to travel to a nearby island. When he gets there, he finds a beautiful girl.

Inday is also stranded by herself for three months. They strike up a conversation and become best friend right away. Turns out inday used to be a model, before she got stranded.

Then one day inday said to Pedro.” You know, I’m a woman and I have needs….”

Pedro says, ” Say no more,” and takes off her clothes and they had sex all night. The next day Pedro comes back to the island to see inday again.  they talk for a while and Pedro says, ” You know, I’m a man and I have needs too…. 

Inday says,  ” Says no more,” and begin undressing. Pedro says, ” NO no no no ! That’s not what i mean ! Here, put this on” and and gives her a large sweater, a pair of sunglasses and a baseball hat.

Inday puts them all on, and Pedro says, ” DUDE ! You will NEVER guess who i hit last night !” 

ADOPTED:UNKNOWN AUTHOR

HELL RACERS

Buses collide! Bus against Toyota Revo! Dead priest! Innocent children and elders! Tears and blood scattered.

When will this stop! Why do buses have to rush? Lives lost!  I Raise hell to those drivers who’s only concern were their pockets.

E.D.S.A. i think is the busiest avenue here in Manila. Longest traffic you’ll ever imagine. How come there are so many road accidents here? Buses crushes! Cars stumbles!

Are there gudgets that can automatically slow them down? we should be concerned on this! we’re lucky that in these accidents we and any our of love one’s not there! let’s not wait that any of us be a victim of these racers fom hell!

Be concerned! Be god fearing! Beat them!

BALLS?

In the castle….

KING: Fof those who wants to marry the princess, you should compete with each other. John, Peter and Mark, would you?

John, Peter and Mark answered yes courageously.

KING: the princess will marry the one who will bring me the most number of pingpong balls….

The three rushed out immediately.

After an hour….

JOHN: The king, i have brought with me 10 sacks of pingpong balls….

KING: Good job, but we have to wait for Peter and Mark!

After an hour Mark came back….

MARK: Your highness, i have brought with me 40 sacks of pingpong balls….

KING: You did a better job than john but we have to wait for Peter….

After 5 minutes Peter came rushing in bloodied and with him are 2 big sacks….

KING: where have you been? So many blood but only 2 sacks of pingpong balls?

PETER: Pardon me. What have you just said? Is it pingpong balls?

KING: Yes! I said the most number of pingpong balls….

PETER: Oh my god, i thought what i heard was KINGKONG BALLS!!!!  

"Dream Catcher"

It was a rainy October of 1984 when i was born. I am the eldest of five siblings. When i was still a little girl, i’m fond of looking at picture albums. I can still remember what picture i saw that caught my eye. I saw a beautiful woman surrounded by 3 kids. I saw a little girl wearing a beautiful sandals, i was surprised to know that i’m the little girl. The beautiful woman was my ever loved Auntie who lives in Japan.

I can still recall that everytime she comes home,she always makes sure that i’ll be with her and that i’ll sleep beside her. When she went back to Japan,everytime she wrote a letter for my mom, she never forgot to mention my name. Everytime she sends balikbayan boxes, i’m always the one who has the most number of gifts from her. AM I HER FAVORITE? every member of our family can tell.

She started sending me anything that i needed in school. She never stops supporting me. From head to pocket to foot. When i graduated high school, she asked me what’s my dream. I told her that i want to go to Japan, just like her. I was very eager to know how can i go there. Then someone came up and told me how. A huge smile from my lips. A smile showing them that it’s about time to move to greater heights to reach a little girls’ dream.

I went to a promotion for those who wants to go to Japan. I can still recall that me and my mom had a heated argument when i walked out of the house, that i didn’t  even bother to tell her where i’m going, then she said, “YOU’RE JUST LIKE YOUR AUNTIE, SHE DIDN’T TELL US WHERE SHE’S GOING, THEN LATER WE’VE LEARNED THAT SHE’S ALREADY IN JAPAN”.

When i was already inside the promotion, i never thought that i’ll go through all those  hardships. We were forced to drink liquor, learn how to speak NIPPONGO. I even have to work us a maid to my manager just to have some many to buy my personal needs. Then i made the first step to call my auntie and informed her where am i and what i’m going through. Then she started to support me again. She kept on calling me through my cellphone even though that we’re not allowed to have any communication outside the promotion.

Days, months have passed. There were times that tears flooded my face, being sick and taking care of yourself alone. So many obstacles and hardships that i have gone through. My ever loving auntie supported me in my finances to arrange my visa. Then one day, the good news came. Visa! Visa! Visa!. I had a sigh of relief the moment i saw it.

I was designated to go and work in Tokyo. A place very near to my aunt’s place. It’s been two, three days before i called and informed my auntie that i was very near her now. She shouted for joy, tears and laughter.

Everytime i’m off-duty, i made sure that we’re always together.There i met my cousins and my japanese uncle. Days, weeks, months have passed that i never felt alone. Happy and contented. When my contract expired, i had mixed emotions, lonely and sad because we have to part ways again, then happy and glad because i’ve got to see my family in the Philippines again.

When i got back in my home land, i even tried to go back again in Japan but it’s the time when the Embassy of Japan keeps on denying working visa’s for entertainers. I even tried to apply as a singer in korea but i was denied. I tried again in another promotion that sends dancer groups in Japan, we even danced on television via UNTV 37 but we’re all denied with our visa’s. I got tired! tired! tired!.

I’m very lucky to have an auntie like her. She never thinks twice when it comes to helping me. Until now, i have an open communication with her. We even have our own novelty store now, of course with her support still flowing. I hope that time will come that i can return all the help and favors that she gave me and still giving me. Even in my own little ways!!!!!

" Y O U "

I can’t find the reason why god gave you to me, but that’s not the question to be asked. Maybe the question should be HOW DID GOD KNOW THAT I’D BE HAPPY TO HAVE “YOU” IN MY LIFE……..